Rural Marketing No-No's

For those of you that haven't had the 'experience' of living in rural America, let me just say, "Things are done differently out here." - all encompassing statement.

Not but 5 minutes ago I was greeted by a kid (note: I'm able to refer to ANYONE 5+ years my junior as "a kid") knocking on the front door trying to sell me, what I can only assume was a pewterish-silverlike serving dish of some poor craftsmanship no doubt.

No-No #1: Never knock on the front door of 'country-folk' homes. You'll either be greeted with a "What the hell is someone doing knocking on my front door?" face or you'll be greeted with the front end of a 12-gauge shotgun. Either way, it never amounts to a warm and/or friendly greeting. So just don't do it.

In this case, I gave him the former and didn't really give him the chance to 'wow me' with his sales pitch. I then followed up 'the face' by yelling over the sound of two barking labs, "Get the hell out of here!"

No-No #2: Never, EVER (ever, ever, ever) enter the yard of rural folk (especially a yard with 2 barking labrador's). Let's not even mention the fact that, by rural folk standards, stepping even a toe onto our property is considered trespassing and would warrant using a gun in self defense, you are just ASKING for it if you enter our yard. Why do you think we have 2 labs? Hello, welcome to 'rural-folk security'.

So 'the kid' about wet his pants after I give him the 'rural folk' set down (though in my defense, he scared the hell out of me and that was the only statement that surfaced during my 'oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, there's an axe-murderer knocking at my front door'-freak out session prior to responding to 'the knock'). In his hurry to leave he mistakenly exits via the side porch (which, in fact, is not the way he came up the porch, nor does it even possess steps exiting the porch).

No-No #3: So in all your 'city-folk' stupidity you've somehow made it onto the property, into the yard, past the barking dogs and failed miserably at selling your 'wares'. But no, you don't stop there, you violate the 'rural folk' some more by stepping onto their side porch. Look, I know that you're not sure what a porch is exactly, living in the city and all, but let me just tell you something. We rural-folk, we like our porches. In fact, we like our porches so much, we surround our houses with them and even extend them several hundred feet past the house, turning them into decks and eventually our house becomes one huge elevated plank in which we have placed a tiny, livable box somewhere in the center. Oh, and we also create only one entrance and exit onto our porch/deck/house so that in cases of when 'city folk' or axe murderers come a callin', well then, we can easily trap them amongst our maze of nailed 2x4's. So basically, my advice to you would be to keep that entrance/exit in your site at all times, in case you are in need of a speedy exit.

So, after I repeat my 'help-the-city-folk-stereotype-rural-America' phrase to 'the kid' once more, he finally manages to maneuver himself through the rabid like barking dogs, down the entrance/exit steps, and practically flies through the front gate in which he hurls himself into the Dodge Neon, containing 3 more 'kids' and promptly exits the property.

I could probably bet I was his last 'cold call' for the day.
"Ya'll come back now, ya here?"