Unexpected Expectations

I am a control freak - it's hardly a secret. Suffering from un-diagnosed OCD, I try to plan every minute detail of my life down to a T. While many have warned me that this can hardly be healthy, nor will it work, I've tried to defy their warnings and defeat the odds.

But this year has been a harsh reality check - an intangible slap in the face, if you will. For one, my career, in which I thought I had a solid grasp on, slithered and slipped between my fingers back in January. A blow to my ego and self-esteem, it's been the hardest factor to regain control over, and something I've failed to manage still. Though many tell you that it wasn't personal, and that it had nothing to do with you, you always have a nagging question in the back of your mind that you will constantly battle to suffocate as it tries to wriggle it's way to the forefront of your mind.

And though you may suggest that I repeat Stuart Smalley's chant of "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Dog Gone It, People Like Me", that can only last for so long while results fail to reveal themselves. And to add to the list of things I can't control, another unexpected expectation has come to fruition.

Finally settled in a house, both of us in what seemed-like solid careers and what we considered as finacially stable as we had ever been (and oh, by they way, the big 3-0 was not that far off), Jeff and I decided in April 2008 that after 10 years of knowing each other and almost 3 years of actual marriage that it was time to start a family. With no known issues in my family, we were expecting fast results. To say the least, it's hardly what we got.

After the big L.O., we decided to continue to try. Afterall, we'd hardly been 'successful' up to this point and we probably wouldn't get pregnant by the time I found a job. Who knew I'd still be unemployed by mid-July (please note, I have no regrets on my decision to not continue a certain j.o.b.).

So, understand my surprise when, after 14 consecutive months, someone forgot to come for her monthly visit and suspicions started to rise that she might have gotten lost or abducted. My initial reaction was nothing but excitement and joy, because finally, FINALLY we got a positive test! I expect that some of you can't relate. But if you took a test as many times in the past as I had, you'd understand the feeling.

Though, after a weekend in which we both celebrated the news, an interesting reality set in. I'm unemployed...and pregnant. Hardly the most ideal situation. Then panic..."Who's going to hire a pregnant woman?!?". Then the moral dilemma... "Should I tell a future employer that I'm pregnant?" Then sanity... "Just calm down, somehow, someway, things will work out." And don't forget to insert at least a gallon of tears in between each emotion.

Thoughts of throttling each and every person that has ever told me "You'll never be completely ready to start a family" started dancing in my head.

However, panic seems to be a very strong foe to fight against and sanity, while strong in itself, seems to be putting in double the effort to win this war. And did I mention that I suffer from undiagnosed OCD? You can see the issues I've been facing. Now, multiply your typical woman hormones by 100 and you'll see a clearer picture.

Know this. Jeff and I are very excited that we are pregnant! We are still early on (only 7-7.5 weeks at this point) and are holding our breaths till the golden 12 week mark. I have a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks, and should know more then.

What to look forward to? Crazy pregnancy rants. Jeff may leave me if these hormones have their say. Hormonal blog postings (similar to this one). And complaints. Cause, as I told Jeff, judging by the symptoms I've experienced thus far, I hardly think I will take this whole thing gracefully. It's just how I am.

This blog post was written and directed by Colleen's Hormones.